Growing up a daddy’s girl always made me feel like I was a big deal. I was spoiled rotten because he would buy me anything I wanted. We spent so much time together. In fact, I remember being around the age of four and my dad asking me if I wanted to ride with him to drop some trash off at the trash dump. I was so excited to go on a quick date with my daddy.
“Yes, but I have to get ready first!”
Little Allie came out of her bedroom in a church dress and dress shoes with lacey socks. I looked my best to ride to the trash dump with the man that hung the moon. I loved every date I had with my dad growing up. One of my favorites was when I was 15. He took me to dinner at Creek Rats on a Friday night before dropping me off at my best friend’s house for our weekly sleepover. We bonded over seafood and funny stories. As the dinner came to an end, with tears in his eyes– he gave me a ring. On the ring were the little words ‘true love waits.’ Most girls my age would have been so embarrassed and would have thrown that thing in a jewelry box and never thought anything of it, but I wore mine. I was proud of it. I was proud that I was able to promise my daddy and Jesus that I would wait until my wedding day. I had full intentions of being the girl that saved herself for her husband.
Life took a turn.
High school and college made me feel damaged. I was desperate for the relationship status. If I saw the words ‘in a relationship with..’ on my Facebook profile-I felt good inside. I felt wothy. Like “YES! Someone likes me!”
Part of me blamed an event that happened in elementary school.
When I was in the second grade, my brother and I spent countless afternoons playing at my dad’s work. We had so many adventures and the craziest imaginations ever. One afternoon we were playing outside. My brother went inside to get us a drink out of a drink machine. In the 5 minutes that he was gone, a stranger popped out of nowhere behind my dad’s building and almost destroyed a little girl. At the time, I didn’t understand it. I didn’t see what the big deal was. Maybe he was playing along too? The police didn’t believe me. My parents were furious and heartbroken. My big brother felt like he failed at protecting me. A part of my childhood was taken from me. I was watched on the playground at school by my teachers. And due to all of this, I was so wrapped up in fear.
The older I got the more vivid that day became. I remembered things and saw things clearer. I made myself believe I was so unworthy. I felt broken. I didn’t want to bring it up to my mom because I didn’t want to remind her of the day that she felt like her whole world had fallen apart. I just lived with the painful thoughts.
Being a girl that did what she wanted, I used this as an excuse. An excuse to give my heart to boys who didn’t really want it. Although, I was the good girl in town for the majority of my life–I gave my heart away rather fast to anyone who would never appreciate me.
I forgot how worthy and how loved I really was.
One of my biggest regrets is not letting my dad meet every guy I went on a date with first. I was scared that if I asked them to meet my dad that would give them a reason to dump me or think that I was moving way too fast. Maybe too, I knew that my dad would shut the door real quick and tell me to get back to my room because there was no way I was allowed to get in a car with him. HA!
I really hurt my dad. Especially because he was my best friend growing up. He saw my worth–why didn’t I?
Kind of like our Heavenly Father. I avoided time with Jesus because I was so ashamed. I was ashamed that I took that promise ring off of my finger when I turned 18. I was ashamed that I went on a date with a boy that was against everything I believed in. I was ashamed that I posted 100 pictures in my bikini on social media to get 100 likes. I was ashamed that I tried to find my worth in all of the things that weren’t found in Jesus.
These last few months, I have taken a break from guys and dating. This season of singleness has been so beautiful. I learn something new every day. One of my favorites is how I am worth it. I am completely worthy of a beautiful relationship despite my past.
I am worth having a guy pick me up and walk me to my door.
I am worth a call just to say goodnight instead of a Snapchat.
I am worth a guy meeting my dad on the first date.
I am worth the good morning texts and the love letters.
AND SO ARE YOU.
Your past does not matter. There is so much grace found in Jesus. He is forgiving and loving and just like my earthly father–He is my biggest fan. He is yours too!
I discovered my slogan-‘Finding Our Worth’ when taking a glimpse at my story. I am a beautiful mess, yall. Who isn’t? God didn’t sit up in heaven and gasp when I made those mistakes. He knew I was going to. He knew that I would someday be here telling you where I have been and where I am going. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those drunken nights and horrible dates.
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God… “-Ephesians 2:4-9
If I could, I would go back and tell that little girl in the second grade that wore the tweetie bird outfit that she was worth it. That even though some disgusting man made her feel differently–she was loved and she was oh so worth it.